Pondering

New Years day I find myself pondering. This is always a time for reflection. Taking stock of the challenges of the past year and reflecting on the lessons that have been learned. Today is no different. Waking up to a light sprinkling of snow, I find myself pondering. This is what Robert Fulgum had to say about pondering in his book, "It was on fire when I lay down on it":

'Ponder, did you ever do that? I've thought about that word ever since I came across it in the story of the birth of Jesus. "Mary pondered all these things in her heart" is what the Scriptures say. When you think about what the phrase "all these things" refers to, it's no wonder she pondered. Here's a teenage kid who has just had a baby in the back if a stall of a barn, with some confusion about just who the father is. Her husband is muttering about taxes and the fact that the head honcho in these parts has opted for infanticide. And if that's not enough to think about, there is all this traffic of visiting astrologers, sheep ranchers, and angels, who keep dropping by with questions and proclamations and chorales. To top it off, the animals who are jammed in there with her talk. Not many cows speak Hebrew, but that seems to be what was going on. It certainly would give a person something to do some heavy thinking about. I'd say "pondering" is the perfect word for what Mary was doing.'

Fulgum continues to reflect on his own ponderings and like him I have memories of times when I knew I wasn't doing my best and then honored a secret pact with myself to do better. This year, almost unconsciously, this pact arises again. I recount my interactions with the world around me over the past year and I know I can do better. The president and pope and all the rest of humanity. We could all do better.

For my part the one most significant area where I know I can do better is that of acceptance. Especially now that My Love has entered my life and has demonstrated over the past five years what a wondrous gift unconditional acceptance can be for us. Through her I have found the peace to evolve, grow and expand my self without the fear of ridicule or criticism. She has shown unrelenting and unconditional acceptance of my every mood and emotion, success and failure, action and procrastination. I now know first hand the peace that grows out of this kind of unconditional acceptance.

Interestingly it has been 7 years since I first came to understand the importance of acceptance in my life. Now a year has past that has brought me three major tests in acceptance. In May I purchased a new boat. Full of expectations I anticipated an experience of perfection. Instead I was faced with numerous deficiencies that required remediation, both major and minor. Instead of accepting the limitations of the dealer's abilities and the manufacturer's quality control system I spoiled my "new boat experience" with anger and disappointment.

In June I received a phone call from the staff at Roche Harbor that mother was struck down by a car. Instead of focusing on the miracle of mother's recovery and the wonderful medical care and support from the community and her friends, I focused on the destructive role that cars play in our lives, the loss of our summer rituals and the cancellation of summer plans. In November I got sucked into the presidential election. Instead of recognizing right away the hidden agendas and the predictability of this, the greatest show on earth, I took it at face value, believed the rhetoric and participated in the debate of the "issues" with family and friends. I even contributed to a major political party and sent out e-mails.

It is amazing how much energy can be consumed by emotions when we loose our perspective. I am part of the human race, as imperfect as the rest of us. I am part of a societal structure that has evolved through repetitive, and often destructive behavior, over thousands of years. I am a member of a species that is in the last stages of uncontrolled growth before it faces a global population collapse.

What are the odds that I would be born into a time when extra somatic knowledge allows me to know my place among the galaxies and at the same time explore the quantum world of particle physics. Hot running water, a dry home in a storm, a bicycle, CD players full of music, legs to carry me to the top of Mount Young, swans in Roberts Bay, Orcas in Haro Strait, Eagles in the trees above the house. Never has a species or a generation had such a magnificent opportunity to experience life on earth in all its glory.

Nature sleeps now, it seems a little disheveled, just like we do when we are snuggled in bed in our favorite pajamas. Soon it will awake from its winter slumber and bring forth the crocuses, daffodils and tulips. Then the strawberries, cherries, plums, blackberries and apples will make their miraculous appearance. The doe will introduce us to her spotted fawn, the hummingbirds will buzz about the deck, the sun will warm us as we snooze in the soft grass of county park and smell the sweet kelp of Haro Strait.

My loving sister Birgit gave me a most wonderful Christmas present this year. A bumper sticker that I will mount on the carrier of my bicycle. It reads: "Be the change you wish to see in the world". As a species our future may be inevitably sealed. As individuals however we still have choices. We can be the change we wish to see in the world. With acceptance and kindness we can exercise responsible stewardship, manifesting our love for the life on this world, every day, through simple actions and deeds. We only have so many sunrises in this life stream. Each is a gift. To waste even one in self imposed darkness, fear or destruction seems such a pitiful shame.

Joyful Solstice! Happy New Year!
January 1st, 2005